Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
