Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize