those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
