Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
