paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
