You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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