I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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