there's paper in my vomit.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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