i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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