Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
