So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
