Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
