I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize