Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
