it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
