it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
