Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
