Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
