if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
