I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
