Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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