she woke up with a sticky ear
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
