It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
