id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
