Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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