just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
