Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
