I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
