I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
