If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
