Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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