all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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