I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
