you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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