I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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