Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
