I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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