ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize