I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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