Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
