This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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