70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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