There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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