see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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