Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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