420 ftw
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
