Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
