my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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