I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
