I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
3pm strippers are depressing
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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