I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
