alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Randomize
