Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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