U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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