you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
