Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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