she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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