Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
