I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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