ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
