He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
