I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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